{Julia now}
Here’s part two of my interview with mother and daughter Cathy and Julia.
Yesterday, Julia shared her struggles with an eating disorder and how this affected her relationship with her parents. (Read it here.)
Today, Cathy shares the difficulties of understanding her daughter’s eating disorder, how their relationship suffered and ultimately how they were able to strengthen it.
I also want to mention that parents, family and friends can play an important role in helping to support their loved one through recovery. I think one of the best things you can do is to educate yourself on eating disorders.
There’s so much misinformation and confusion about what EDs are and how they’re treated. Knowing more about EDs helps you know what to expect and how to help.
Stay tuned for part three tomorrow!
Q: Cathy, you’ve mentioned before that you had no idea how to relate to Julia when she started struggling with an ED, and you also said that at first the two of you talked at each other. Why did you have difficulty relating to Julia?
A: I had heard about eating disorders, mainly anorexia and bulimia, but it didn’t occur to me for a long time that Julia had one. Her ED was not easy to identify, (she didn’t refuse to eat or make herself throw up, for instance), so it was hard to recognize it as an actual disorder.
I also was not tuned into the body image aspect of Julia’s challenges. I guess I had no clue about what she was really going through for quite some time.
In short, my view was that she had gained some weight and needed to figure out a way to slim down just a bit. I didn’t see that her weight issues were any different than someone who ate too much over the holidays and could use a month or two of dieting.
Q: Cathy, you’ve also said that what has stayed with you the most was “How we had to change and step out of each of our comfort zones in order to be close within the world of an eating disorder.” Can you explain what you mean by that?
A: As you noted, as Julia gained weight we talked “at” each other about it in predictable ways. For example, I saw how miserable she felt about her weight, so when she went to the freezer and got out the ice cream, I would question that choice. This would make her irritated, and she would tell me that I was judging her and not being helpful.
For her part, she would tell me she wanted to learn how to eat healthfully and maintain her weight at a good level without having to worry about what she ate. She said diets didn’t really work, in her view. That made a certain amount of sense to me, yet I didn’t see Julia really doing anything to head in that direction.
It was hard to see her so desperately unhappy, and I was worried about her future. I wanted to help so much, but I didn’t know how.
We were in a cycle. Julia would come to me when she felt her worst, I would give advice, and both of us would get frustrated. Finally, I think one of us yelled so loudly that the other one heard. I can’t recall the exact moment, but I realized I needed to stop making recommendations and let Julia be in charge.
At the same time, I think Julia realized that some of her extreme feelings scared me to death, and she took more care to reassure me and share some of her successes as well as her worst times.
Q: After a while, the two of you started communicating much better and started trusting each other. How did this come about?
A: I think this happened conversation by conversation. We both began to notice that when we tried to take care of each other’s needs as well as blurting out stuff from our own insides, we could have a real discussion. Instead of pushing at each other and feeling frustrated, our conversations became warm and supportive.
A couple of years ago, you would have heard us on the phone saying things like, “I can’t believe you just said that!” Now we say things like, “Why do you think that is?” And, “Hmmm, that’s interesting. Tell me more about how that feels.”
Q: What surprised you both about your relationship before and during the recovery process?
A: Julia and I have always been close–I’m the luckiest mom in the world in that regard as well as many others. I probably would have said we were about as close as any parent and child could be. But we have become even closer since she’s been working on her ED.
I think our relationship has grown from a healthy, positive mom-and-daughter relationship to a place of deeper understanding, acceptance and support. That’s the real bonus in going through something very difficult and working your hardest to face it both separately and together.
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Thanks so much, Cathy!
What resonated with you from Cathy’s interview? If you’re a parent, was it hard for you to understand your child’s eating disorder? How did it affect your relationship?