This week I wrote an article about what to do if you’re falling for your therapist. In short, you share this with your therapist (as awkward as it is). That’s because your feelings for your therapist often reveal your unmet needs. A woman who imagines her therapist as the ideal husband, because he’s patient and understanding, wants those qualities in her own marriage. A man who loves his therapist because she’s nurturing may be missing this nurturing in his own life.
Together, the clinician and client explore the unmet needs that underlie these feelings. Then they work on finding healthy ways to met these needs (since a romantic relationship with the therapist, of course, is off limits).
I think this applies to all of us.
That is, there are many areas of our lives, many situations, feelings and reactions that can reveal our own unmet needs. Once we can identify these areas, we can figure out how to meet these needs in healthy ways.
Here are several examples:
Envy
So and so just got a promotion, bought a new car, went on a fun vacation, wrote a book, started a new project, tried a dance class, gave up dieting, tossed their scale or hired a housekeeper. But instead of feeling happy for them, you feel something else: an emotion you’re embarrassed about. You’re green (and annoyed) with envy.
That envy may be a clue into some unmet need. That envy may indicate what you want in your life. It might not be the same thing, such as wanting a promotion at work. But it might be what that promotion represents: a change (and you’re really bored), a different schedule (and working the night shift just isn’t working for you anymore) or flexibility (more time to spend on self-care or with your kids).
The next time you get envious of someone or something, instead of getting angry with yourself, get curious. Ask yourself if you really want what the other person has. Or if that thing represents something else entirely (freedom, peace, play, fun, adventure, love, compassion, creation). Then consider how you can meet that need. (You can even make a list!)
Worry, Anxiety or Fear
What we’re anxious about, what we worry about, what we fear also can reveal our needs and wants. Explore what keeps you up at night and what runs through your mind as soon as you wake up. Look for patterns. Are your worries about work? Or about getting everything done? Are your worries about being inadequate in all areas of your life?
Your unmet need may be physical — you can’t sit still, your body is too antsy and anxious. Getting active will bring relief. They might be spiritual — everything feels like it’s falling apart, and you need an anchor. You might want to explore your spirituality and sense of purpose. You might want to explore what brings you deeper meaning.
Loneliness
If you’re feeling lonely often, explore why. What are you missing? How do you feel when you’re lonely? Angry? Annoyed? Sad? Disappointed? When do you feel most alone? When do you feel the opposite? Why do you think you’re feeling this way? What do you think you need?
Maybe you need support, someone you can really talk to (this might be anyone from a best friend to a therapist to both). Maybe you need to feel loved and listened to (again, best friend and/or therapist). Maybe you need to learn to enjoy your own company. So you create a list of fun activities you can do on your own. Or you might need to explore the deeper roots of your loneliness.
Our needs may be hiding in all sorts of places. Explore the different areas of your life. Get curious. Journal. And keep journaling. We discover what we need, what we want, what we’ve been overlooking when we pause and start making sense of it on paper. Then brainstorm healthy ways you can meet these needs.
What are your unmet needs? How can you meet these needs in healthy ways?