Social support is so important in helping someone who’s struggling with an eating disorder. But how do you support someone if all they can focus on is the ED?
That’s the excellent and difficult question that reader Julie posed a few weeks ago. She wrote:
i have a good friend who is currently undergoing inpatient treatment for anorexia and bulimia. she is quite far away from where we live (canada) – she’s gone down to the states to a private hospital. before she left, i was struggling with how to support her. all she talks about is her EDs, and i constantly try not to engage in that talk because i want to remind her of her whole person, not just her ed-self. does anybody have any tips as to what i can do to be most supportive to her? i want her to feel she can talk to me about what she is struggling with, but i also don’t want to play into having her ed’s be the ONLY thing she relates to.
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we met in the hospital where we were both being treated for depression, so we have a different relationship than a lot of my other friends. i want to be a good friend but she is pretty isolated and to be honest sometimes its frustrating for me watching her struggle so much, knowing that she has so much potential. i appreciate any answers you’re able to find!For insight, I consulted Susan Schulherr, an eating disorder specialist and the author of Eating Disorders for Dummies. (Susan also writes a fantastic blog that provides ideas and inspiration for eating disorder recovery.) Below, Susan offers her advice.
My first thought is that Julie’s friend is very lucky to have Julie as a friend! It’s clear Julie is really concerned, cares a lot about her, and has some important insights about her situation.
I understand Julie’s dilemma: She wants to be there for a friend with whom she’s shared so much. Yet she doesn’t want to collude with her friend’s ED–distorted view that the ED is all there is to her.
I would add one more down side to continuing this kind of talk. If it goes on a lot longer, at some point it’s going to make it difficult for Julie to be around her friend. Nobody’s needs are served if that happens.
It sounds like Julie has or is anticipating another dilemma as well. If her friend is “isolated,” that could put a fair amount of the burden for support onto Julie. It will be hard, probably too hard, on both Julie and her friend for Julie to be a recovery support network of one.
Perhaps that’s who they were for each other in that first hospitalization—the one who was there when nobody else was, or when nobody else got it. It can be an amazing bond but one that’s hard—too hard—to keep up if the expectation is to continue the exclusivity.
In the best of worlds, Julie’s friend’s ED hospitalization will lead to a shift on both fronts. By the time she’s discharged, she’ll already be engaged in thinking about a self beyond her eating disorder and will understand the importance of a wider support network.
If one or both of those are not the case, I’d like to encourage Julie on a few points:
- Be open about your concerns. There’s no harm to be done by expressing your concerns to your friend exactly as you’ve expressed them to us. In fact, it will convey how much you care about her. It would be great if you two could agree on how much ED focus is too much and perhaps a mutually–acceptable way for you to signal if you’re concerned the conversation is reaching that point.
- Put your beliefs into action. To the extent you can, try to engage your friend in activities that have nothing to do with her eating disorder. It helps make your case in a lived way that speaks louder than words.
- Trust your instincts about the situation. You are seeing more clearly than your friend right now. It’s important that you not get talked out of your perceptions even if she’s not completely there yet.
- Remember you’re contributing just by holding the bigger picture for your friend. Even if she can’t join in your view of her yet, she’ll feel the effects of what you do—and don’t—mirror back to her about herself. Your view of her will be a resource she can draw on when she’s able.
- Make sure you have support for yourself. I’m glad to see you refer to “other friends.” The bigger the recovery mountain your friend has left to climb and the more she’s relying on you for her support, the more you’ll need your own support—people who understand what you’re experiencing and can help nourish and replenish you along the way. If you’re still recovering from your own depression, you want to make double sure not to lose sight of your own needs.
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Thanks so much, Julie, for bringing up an important question, and, Susan, for your always thoughtful advice!
What would you tell Julie? When you were struggling with an eating disorder, how did you want people to support you?
Also, if you have any questions about support, please ask away – along with any questions about eating disorders or body image. I’m happy to answer your questions in a post!
P.S., Melissa over at the positive and empowering blog The Clothes Make the Girl has challenged her readers and herself to go through my 5 body image fixes. Please check out her posts and join the challenge! I was so excited that she’s doing this!