Many of us think we have to repay anyone who says something nice or complimentary to us, to anyone who takes us to dinner, to anyone who pays attention or is kind in some other way (whether the kindness is genuine or ill-intentioned). We think we owe something beyond a heartfelt thank-you.
We think we owe our bodies. Maybe we think we owe it to someone to stay the same weight, to work out constantly, to watch what we eat. To keep ourselves small. Maybe we think we owe someone unlimited or any access to our bodies. We think we owe someone our money or our loyalty or our silence. To say yes when we really yearn to say no (whatever the situation).
We think we owe others our lives. To do what they want us to do. To listen to only them and to dismiss, to ignore our own instincts and thoughts and feelings.
In one of my favorite newsletters*, writer and coach Mara Glatzel notes that we don’t owe anything to anyone. She writes: “Your life, your time, your energy, your body, your sex, your attention is not a chip to be bartered away or bought by someone else’s kindness.”
Because when we think it is, this is what happens: We become currency. We become a product, a thing. We become something without a voice, without needs and desires. We take away our humanity, our depth, our complexity, our layers.
We even become a thing to ourselves. We start thinking that we need to behave a certain way to earn our own kindness. We start thinking we need to take certain actions, to become someone (or something) else in order to warrant rest, attention, love, self-care.
We start thinking we have to earn. Everything.
A while ago, I penned a poem called “Your Body Isn’t Currency,” included in the e-book Heart to Heart: 20 Poems, Meditations + Affirmations to Embrace Your Body & Cultivate Kindness, which I co-wrote with the brilliant Anna Guest-Jelley.
Here are a few lines:
You don’t need to earn the right
to love your body
to feel comfortable in your own skin.
Your body isn’t currency.…
You don’t need to earn the right
to tend to your needs
or live out your dreams
until you’ve reached
some arbitrary shape or size.
Your body isn’t currency.You don’t need to earn the right
to rest
Miles logged into a machine
Calories counted
X number of gym classes
taken for the week.
Your body isn’t currency.
I don’t think we assume we are currency. That is, I don’t think one day we wake up and say we are products or things. We do this in subtle ways, in big or small actions. Maybe we punish ourselves for not achieving our expectations: I wasn’t productive at all today. I need to work through the night. Or I don’t deserve to relax and take a break right now. I need to push through. Or I ate one too many cookies. I have to get myself to the gym. Now!
Maybe we see kind gestures as debts we must repay: He took me to dinner, so I should go home with him. She let me borrow money, so she has the right to yell at me and criticize my actions. He took care of me during a difficult time, so I must stay with him.
Maybe we judge our worth by our appearance: He’ll never look twice at me at this weight. She’ll never love me at this size. She married a muscular man and years later, I’m far from being that guy, which means I need to start working out, again. I’m worthless at this weight. I’ll wait until I lose a few more pounds to start liking my body and feeling good about myself. Right now, I just don’t deserve it.
Please remember that you are not a thing. You have legitimate needs and yearnings and dreams. You have your own legitimate opinions and beliefs. You have your own legitimate perspective on what a meaningful, fulfilling life looks like (for you). You deserve self-care no matter your weight or size or shape. You do not have to earn it by doing anything—especially things you are uncomfortable with, things that violate your boundaries, your soul and your heart.
You are not currency. You never were.
* I highly recommend signing up for Mara’s emails. They’re filled with wisdom. They’re like getting letters from a close friend who somehow knows what’s in your heart—and shares the words you need to read and be reminded of.